


Anchor

by Lily_TPMBouquins



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, Crema, dreammaking and strange remembrance, like the-writer-has-cried-a-lot angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 14:24:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16410140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lily_TPMBouquins/pseuds/Lily_TPMBouquins
Summary: Eventually, they go back to Crema.





	Anchor

**Author's Note:**

> First and foremost, a very special and HUGE thanks to ShesGoneRogue (VexedByLoki) (or @shes-gone-rogue on tumblr) for the precious help and without whom this story would have remain what it was : a very poorly written thing. I’ve said it twenty times already but thank you so much <33\. I’ve only left a couple of your suggestions aside. I probably shouldn’t have but since I’m a pain in the ass writer in french, I’ve figured I’ll stay that way in english as well ;-).
> 
> If it wasn't already obvious, english is not my first language. If anything still sounds wrong or weird, it’s probably my fault ;-).
> 
> As you see I hate tags because they spoil everything so I didn't use anything specific. It's sad, that's all I can say. It's general audience so there is nothing graphic but if there are subjects you don't feel like reading right now, please feel free to ask me anything.
> 
> Obviously, it's all fiction. And, for once, thank god it is.
> 
> Lastly, I'm sorry. You can yell at me all you want. I've definitely yelled at myself while writing.

[ _ Anchor - Novo Amor _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTGp753uXoY)

 

 

« Hello ? »

 

« Armie ? »

 

« Yeah ? »

 

« It’s Nicole Flender. Timothée’s mom. »

 

« I know who you are Mrs. Flender. »

 

« Nicole, please. »

 

« …is he okay ? »

 

« Today - »

  
  
He hears her swallow.

 

« Today is not exactly a good day. »

 

« Shit. Can I do something ? »

 

_ Please, tell me I can do something.   _

 

« Well… That’s why I’m calling actually. I know you’re busy, and I didn’t want to bother you, but… »

 

« Anything… Just tell me. I’ll do it. »

 

***

 

« Timmy. Timmy, wake up. We’re here. »

 

« What ? »

 

« We’re in Italy. »

 

***

 

Armie rents a car between Milan and Crema. He likes his freedom and Timmy sometimes becomes uncomfortable with faces he doesn’t recognize now so Armie doesn’t want to take any risk even with a driver.

 

« You good ? » he asks after a few minutes of silent driving.

 

« ‘m good. »

 

That’s all Timmy offers. No endless rambling, no fidgeting, no hands everywhere, no genuine laugh - only a tight smile and a distracted expression as he gazes out the window, absently watching the Italian landscape going by. He doesn’t even seem to notice they’re back where they have begun. 

 

Most of the time, Timmy is quiet now. Armie can’t get used to it. He’s pretty sure he never will. He misses Timmy. The one who becomes so excited about something he can’t stop talking about it. The one who has so much going on his head, he just has to share, share, share, because it’s who he is - generous with everything.

 

But these days Timmy is mostly quiet and still. He just sits here or there - it doesn’t matter anymore - and stares at nothing, lost in his own head, not because there is too much going on like before but because there isn’t enough now and Timmy doesn’t do well with emptiness. Sometimes Armie feels like Timmy is already gone and he doesn’t know what makes him feel more sick : the guilt or the pain.

 

***

 

« Looks like they removed our table. »

 

Armie points at the spot where they shot one of the scenes in Crema. For a while, the town had left similar furniture for staged souvenir photos. It seems like they belong to the past as well now.

 

They’ve been touring around Crema for almost an hour, walking through the spots where their memories reside : inside tiny houses, under green and goldens trees to the very heart of the centenarian stones themselves. Every corner of this place had borne witness the birth of their relationship.

 

Armie talks too much, takes over every second of silence with his overwhelming presence. It feels like he’s speaking for two now and sometimes he swears he can hear Timmy’s voice in his own. Timmy doesn’t say much. He listens, follows, smiles when Armie is laughing, lost in his stories. He’s not sure when asked if he remembers.

 

Something lights up in Timmy’s eyes when they reach the alley where Elio and Oliver almost kissed in the bright day light of a public place.

 

« Does it rings a bell ? » Armie hates how hopeful he sounds.

 

Timmy doesn’t answer and looks even more confused when he glazes at Armie. His body remembers better than his brain.

 

« Can we go see Luca ? »

 

« He doesn’t live here anymore. »

 

« Oh. » Timmy frowns. He purses and twists his lips. His eyes drop to his feet. Armie can feel the tension thickening the air between them.

 

« Come on, let’s grab something for lunch instead. »

 

***

 

They eat outside, not talking for a while but enjoying each others presence. Timmy has always loved words but they’re betraying him now. Or maybe he is the one who failed them. Words haven’t changed. He has. He constantly does. That’s why he avoids talking now. He always feels like he’s disappointing someone and he doesn’t want Armie to think of him as a failure.

 

Turns out that Timmy’s struggles to find his words, his inability to follow a thought from start to finish, his agitation and his strange culinary habits weren’t only lovable parts of his shining personality. They were also symptoms of the disease slowly and silently eating his brillant brain. 

 

It happened after. After Beautiful Boy. After The King. Even after Dune which took forever to finish. They never had the chance to make the sequel. Timmy couldn’t do it anymore and nobody wanted to do it without him. They should have searched for another Oliver anyway. Therefore they never had the chance to get them back together. They never had a chance to be back together. The time was right around the corner - and then it was simply gone forever.

 

***

 

« I don’t know if you aware of it but we… » Armie clears his throat. « We shot a film in this house. A few years back. We just… » He hesitates. « He needs to… » New attempt. « Can we just hang around for a moment ? »

 

The son of the family - the only one who manages to understand english - glances at Timmy. « What’s wrong with him ? » 

 

« He forgets. »

 

***  


 

The sun shines high in the sky at Elio’s spot. The grass is dry, the cicadas sing and the air smells like long lazy afternoons. Everything is quiet and tastes like 1983 all over again.

 

Timmy is sitting on the edge of the lake. His reflection confuses him, so he tries to make it disappear by dancing his toes mindlessly over the surface, waving his image away.

 

A few minutes later, Timmy stands up and shakes his feet above the water in a vain attempt to dry them off. He looks at his old pair of Vans and contemplates the idea of putting them on again. He’s about to decide against it when the sound of someone moving behind him catches his attention.

 

Armie is standing behind, watching him, wondering if Timmy remembers he’s here, why they’re here and what is here exactly. Timmy stares at him for a while and it makes him feel unconfortable - or maybe quite the opposite. He doesn’t know what to do with all the love Timmy is throwing at him right now without actually doing anything. Nobody has ever looked at Armie the way Timmy does.

 

« You’re back, » he smiles. Armie frowns but doesn’t have time to ask what he means. Timmy takes a step forward, stands on his bare tiptoes and presses his lips to Armie’s. It’s barely a touch, nothing more than a plea, but it’s there - real. Armie doesn’t want to move back. He also knows he should.

 

« What are you doing ? »

 

« I’m kissing you. »

 

His stubborn innocence makes Armie chuckle.

 

« I can feel that. »

 

Timmy starts a move to close the space between them again. Armie stops him, yet he still doesn’t move back.

 

« Timmy. You know I can’t do that. You know why. Why are you asking that of me ? » His grip is firm on Timmy’s shoulders, stopping him from moving closer, forbidding him to escape. « Why are you taking us down this road ? Christ Timmy. » His gaze drops to the grass at their feet. There is a tiny wildflower growing between them. Something pink and delicate. His touch and his voice soften. « I can’t. I just can’t. » 

 

Armie gently wraps his hands around Timmy’s neck, his thumbs slowly stroking his jaw. He’s not sure who he’s trying to comfort. Forehead against forehead, he tries to speak again, his voice barely louder than a whisper. « Think about me for a second, will you ? What I’m supposed to do when… If we… When you will no longer… » He stumbles over the thought alone, chokes on the words he’s unable to prononce. « Fuck. »

 

« Just once ? I promise. I won’t ask for more. I won’t ask again. I promise. »

 

« Timmy - please… Just please. »

 

The truth is - he sees it happen. He watches Timmy disappear, vanished behind someone else. The features are the same but the expressions are not. The attitude, the way he carries himself, the shine in his eyes - everything slightly shifts and he couldn’t look more different.

 

Armie sees it happen and it makes him proud. Because this kid is so talented, he will always feel honored to have shared a movie, this movie, their movie, with the most gifted actor he ever knew.

 

Armie sees it happen. For a second, it makes him feel so fucking proud.

 

« Oliver, why do you keep calling me Timmy ? »

 

And then it breaks his heart.

 

***

 

The kiss is sweet and sensual, bold and shy all at the same time. It’s Timmy and Elio kissing him together and Armie doesn’t know what to do with himself, so he lets go. He can feel he’s already crying, tears streaking his face and wetting their lips so what’s the point of pretending anymore ?

 

Timmy hardly pulls away, just far enough to look at him right in the eyes - an inch, breathing the air between Armie’s lips. His fingers - Elio’s - gently caress the frame of Armie’s face, scratching softly their sheer skin against Armie’s stubble, tracing the features Oliver would have five years after their summer.

 

« I’ve missed you. » He sounds like a twenty-two years old young man, part American, part French - and part Italian. 

 

For the first time, Armie allows himself to connect with all the loves he feels for Timmy. Not just the brotherly thing that means so much to them but all of the in-betweens he never dares to name, because words don’t exist for this yet. The rest of the world can go fuck itself for a minute or two. They deserve these two minutes. They’re the only ones they have - and will ever have.

 

Armie cups Timmy’s face with both of his hands and kisses him back. Tongue, feels and his bare soullaying on the table. At this moment - a moment which could have been born in another yesterday, have blossomed in this present and grown within all of their tomorrows - the body fully pressed against his is the only want he wants to feel, hold and love.

 

At this moment, Armie isn’t sure if he’s still Armie.

 

« I’ve missed you too. »

 

***

 

« Home sweet home. » Armie announces once the door is closed behind them.

 

Thanks to Luca’s remaining connections, he’s been able to book Timmy’s old apartment. For a couple of days, it’s theirs again. Armie thought it was a good idea but he’s not so sure anymore. Nothing has changed here - the furnishings, the small kitchen corner where Timmy never cooked a single meal and the light piercing through the high windows - everything is exactly as he remembers. Being back here, where they’ve spent so much time, evenings and most of their nights, just the two of them into the safety of their cocoon, was meant to feel good. Now it’s only bringing tears to Armie’s eyes. How is he supposed to handle all of them on his own ? It’s all too much to be carried alone. He needs Timmy. He will always need Timmy. 

 

***

 

« She’s desperate, you know ? »

 

They’ve been lying on Timmy’s old bed for a while, so quietly Armie thought Timmy had fell asleep. Foreheads touching, shoulders brushing and breath matching.

 

« Who ? »

 

« Mom. That’s why she asked you to bring us back here. She seems to think that if I keep reliving and remembering memories, I won’t forget them. »

 

« Does it work ? »

 

Timmy simply shakes his head. Silence shines between them for a moment and dances with the small particles of dust floating in a ray of the setting sun.

 

« My last doctor appointment… The prognosis isn’t really good. »

  
  
« What does it mean ? »

 

« That I might be hospitalized sooner that we were expected. »

 

« Why ? For a new treatment ? »

 

Armie wallows in naivety because he’s so afraid he can’t cope. Timmy shakes his head again. There isn’t a way of getting better in his situation. It’s just a matter of how fast things progress and - as he did all his short life with learning to swim and to bike, becoming an actor and then a fucking worldwide star - he’s racing. This time to the last finish line.

 

« When ? »

 

Timmy shrugs. He doesn’t know. They don’t know. That’s the whole problem.

 

« Are you scared ? » asks Armie. He sure is. Shitless. There aren’t much things worse than a world without Timmy. Except a world in which Armie has to watch Timmy die.

 

For the third time, Timmy says no with a shake of his head. He erases a falling tear on his cheek with the tip of one of Armie’s fingers he’s holding between his.

 

« Not right now. »

 

***

  

« You know I love you right ? »

 

Timmy nods. Armie feels it against the skin of his own neck.

 

« Sometimes I forget things », explains Timmy, playing mindlessly with the hem of Armie’s shirt. He likes the way the bleached red fabric looks against his fingers. « But… I still know. I can forget who I am. I can forget who you are. But I can’t forget this. I can’t forget us and how I feel when I’m with you. This has nothing to do with memory. I feel the same way around you and about you since the first time you crushed me into your gigantic arms. »

  
***

 

Armie notices that Timmy is being careful with names. He already witnessed him do that. When he knows but can’t remember, he avoids them and tries to act normal - an irony. There never was a single normal thing about this kid but that isn’t the the case here. Timmy doesn’t use names because he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know if he’s Timothée or Elio, if Armie is Armie or Oliver. Lines aren’t blurred now. They don’t exist anymore. When Armie looks at him, he sees Timmy. But he also sees a little bit of Elio and their gazes hold for a minute. That’s okay - Armie kept a small part of Oliver with him as well.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm @tpmbouquins on tumblr !


End file.
